It's been a while since I've written anything here and to be honest, it really is a blend of procrastination, laziness and the long period of moodiness that I've been through lately. Perhaps that last bit is the very reason why I'm writing about this topic. I really don't know...
You see, I'm writing this off the top of my head... I could not imagine myself planning what to write regarding this, for fear of the artificial taste that will linger as I write on; neither could I process the sheer amount of what I have to say at the moment, I'm writing from the heart - more so this time.
Have you ever felt like this:
I am sure of it...
This will never change
People will leave you when you need them most
And I refuse to believe that
Things will get better
You get by fine. Day in day out, it's the same - it's always been the same. What else could you expect? After all, you've never really expected yourself to be anybody. Heck, you've never even expected to have a decent life. Well, you do, or at least you think you do. You scroll through your phone on the way home. You wonder to whom you should message, or maybe if you should just call it a day. After all, everyone's too tired for any social interaction at the end of a day. Maybe you'll ask a friend out for tomorrow night's dinner. Maybe. You don't. You never do. After all, how has it ever been any different?
You decide that you get by fine by yourself. You don't really need someone to listen to your problems. Why bother others with your own miniscule worries, right? You toss and turn in bed, your worries seem to bother you a little but that's really okay, isn't it? After all, it's only human to have worries. Hey, you're crying? Stop crying and pull yourself together. You aren't going to die, it's just an emotional issue - do you need some tissues? There you go, just let it out, but don't let anyone know that you are feeling such pain alright? After all, it's normal that you cry yourself to sleep at times.
You wake up feeling empty. Seems like you don't have quite a sense of purpose today. No worries, you get up, wash up and have your breakfast. Of course, not before saying grace. You pray for God to bless your food, you pray for his guidance and you thank Him for His provision. In your heart, you wished things in your life were very much different. But then again, who are you to make such demands? You're just a human being, that's what you were born to face - life, as and how it is.
You go through your daily routine. Conversations go on around you as usual but all you do is pay attention to them and reserve all comments. After all, you never really have anything to say to others, do you? You have your thoughts but at the moment, they seem unimportant. Funny really, how unimportant they are, but really, are the only things that occupy your mind. You worry about what others might say if you remain silent. Someone asks if you're alright and you reply with the standard "I'm fine", pulling off a weak smile. Way to go, seems like you've been taught well.
Back home, you feel frustrated. You think through everything that's going on around you. You seem to be in a daze while showering. You're done showering. You stare at your reflection in the bathroom mirror. You're on the verge of breaking into tears. But you hold on, because you are strong. Moreover, it's not as if your problems are really worth crying over, are they? Then again, who's really going to hear you out? What friends do you have?
You hate that you aren't as well liked as others. You wished for better friends, you wished you knew people who would understand you. You often told yourself that if you had such people in your life, you'd hold them close to you, treat them well and never let them go. You'd never ask God for anything more. Or rather, you question His plans for you to be where you are - then feel guilty afterwards for having not trusted Him more.
But reality hasn't been kind to you. It seems as if the world is crumbling down on your shoulders.You feel like your life is in a mess. It is, isn't it? Stop lying to yourself, it is in a mess! And you don't know how to fix things. Or if anything can even be fixed. You have the urge to tell someone but you don't. You bottle it. Perhaps its better this way. You'd try to avoid seeing people for fear that you might reveal your vulnerability to others. Why does being around people have to be so complicated?
I apologise for the long winded monologue above - but if you've ever felt this way in your life, you are not alone. Thing is, people will always be there for you, that's who they are. They want to. Well, maybe not all, but at least the people around you do. Maybe it's because we've all been through common experiences and are able to relate to each others' pain and hardships. Maybe that is why we feel hurt when others do not tell us that they've been hurting so much all along but had to suffer in silence. It hurts them when you keep things to yourself and end up feeling worse.
It's good to let your heart out every once in a while - hopefully to someone whom you really trust. Well, you'd even come to realise that there have been others going through the exact same pain, who can understand exactly how you feel... and all this time, you didn't know they existed! People are like that, they crave common experiences from others, regardless of who is going through them currently - be it you or them. They want to go through your struggles with you. When you cry, they wanna cry with you. When you laugh, they wanna laugh with you. When you celebrate, they wanna give you a treat. They truly want to walk with you, through all your struggles, life lessons, hardships, pains, experiences - you name it.
And admit it, more often than not, you do feel better afterwards, don't you? Bet you didn't regret coming out tonight for that chat huh? People wanna be there to make you feel better and offer some perspective at times for your problems. It's not so much of solving your problems but rather sharing this beautiful moment in life - be it painful or joyous - together. That's the beauty of people. We all need that someone whom will listen to us when we need to share our problems or when we need a shoulder to cry on.
Life is a intertwining web - everyone is connected to each other in some way or another. But if there's one thing that we love more than experiencing life, it's getting to experience life simply with another - the ability to share in one's joy or pain, to love and to be loved, that is truly amazing and beautiful, it is a work of art by the hand of God... it is simply breathtaking just by thinking of it. And that is why we people will always be there for you - it is who we are.
Hopefully after reading all that, you'll feel like this:
Things will get better
And I refuse to believe that
People will leave you when you need them most
This will never change
I am sure of it...
Thank you for reading and getting all the way here. I truly appreciate your time, to even just peruse or consider what I have penned down from my mind. Take care and have a blessed New Year's to come!
Love, Matt
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